![]() ![]() What? That you don’t want to get clean? Yeah, yeah. ![]() (scoffs) Just… honestly, I wasn’t really trying not to relapse. Couldn’t stop my mind from racing.Īll the things I remember and all the things I wish I didn’t. You’re too busy running around, trying to bullsh*t everybody into thinking you’re hard, and you don’t give a f*ck, when in reality, you give so much of a f*ck, you can’t even bear to be alive. You got clean and want to kill yourself? Same motherf*ckin’ story here. I’ve lived a whole motherf*ckin’ life to get to this diner to sit across from your arrogant ass, so don’t you ever “whatever” me. (laughs) I was shooting dope before your mama’s egg dropped. It’s a lie, whether you know it or not, but more importantly, I don’t give a f*ck to hear it. Because this whole bullsh*t about being a functioning drug addict, about finding balance, that ain’t true. And, uh, you can say that sobriety is my, uh, greatest weapon, but… To tell you the truth, drugs are probably the only reason Um… When I’m, uh, when I’m clean, you know, when I’m present, uh, like a part of this world, I don’t just think about relapsing. I’m just a crackhead who’s trying to do a little good on this Earth before I die.Īll right, I’m sorry. Like, for real, if– If I say some dark sh*t, you’re not gonna report me to the state or something? The problem is, is that you look at sobriety as a weakness in the face of those issues, and what I’m saying is, sobriety is your greatest weapon. ![]() You’ve got your issues, and you’re gonna be struggling with those issues for the rest of your life. Okay, well, you know, I’m not saying you’re, um, a paragon of mental health. ![]() Yeah, well, neither do my moods when I’m sober. I’m just smoking a little bit of weed, and taking some pills that were prescribed to me. Yeah, I mean, it’s not like I’m doing a bunch of sh*t. There’s ups and downs to this sh*t, but, I mean, whether you believe me or not, I’m, like, I’m good. And sometimes, life’s just bad, you know? It’s f*cking life. ‘Cause, like, there is tons of people who, you know, drink and do drugs, and sometimes their life is good. You know, that’s what, like, I, I don’t understand about the world. I feel like that’s physically impossible. Rue, I don’t think you’re listening to what you’re saying. (chuckles) I feel like you’re not listening to what I’m saying. I, I mean, but I’m not perfect, you know, so… I’m, I’m sane, though. You just said you found an amazing balance. And, like, finding an emotional balance, you know? And, and like, my, my general overall well-being. I guess I just, like, made her the point. And I just… And I look back and I’m just like, why the f*ck did I do that? It’s f*ckin’ crazy. I… Especially the way I was f*ckin’… making plans for the rest of our life and sh*t. The way I was, like, putting way too much of my emotional well-being in her hands, you know, without ever, like, talking about it, or, or saying it. I mean it could, but… I feel like I’ve found this, like, amazing balance, where I’m like happy and healthy, and I’m not, like, looking to anybody else for that happiness, you know? F*ckin’ Jules. I mean it, you know, could suddenly sh*t flip and get super dark? Yeah, you know. Look, Ali, I know you don’t believe me, but I’m, I’m doing really good, actually. Ali tells Rue that a refusal to forgive oneself for one’s mistakes is what prevents personal change, and that he has faith in her ability to improve. Ali argues that drugs fundamentally change a person he reveals that he grew up with an abusive father for whom he harbored deep hatred, only to become violent with his own wife after developing a drug addiction, ultimately estranging his two daughters. Rue eventually admits that she does not forgive herself for her treatment of her family (particularly her mother), and that she is suicidal. He also notes that Rue never officially acknowledged her relationship with Jules. Rue attempts to blame Jules for her relapse, but Ali points out that Rue had been saving the pills she ultimately used, suggesting that she was never serious about staying clean. Rue admits that she willingly relapsed with little hesitation Ali reminds her that addiction is a disease, and emphasizes the importance of committing to a cause greater than herself. On Christmas Eve, following her relapse, an intoxicated Rue sits at a diner with Ali to reflect on her addiction. ![]()
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